Listen, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed.

1 Corinthians 15:51

Before Father’s Day I was at home one night and got a text from my mom. My cousin wasn’t well, he was being transferred to a medical center in Gainesville, and he wasn’t expected to survive the night.

I sat staring at the text and thinking, “What? How?” We’d never even heard that he was sick, or that anything was wrong at all. How do you go from nothing wrong to not expected to make it that fast?

Well, he didn’t survive. At 8:30 that night I got the second text. It’s over.

They had placed him on life support long enough for the family to get there, and that was that.

I saw my cousin at Christmas and had been deeply shocked by the change in him; his skin looked pale and had an odd color, and he seemed  to be heavier than usual and almost sluggish. He didn’t want to hug anyone, saying that he was getting over the flu. He did sound bad, so I believed it. But it was so odd to watch this usually vibrant, happy man and loving father watch everyone from the sidelines and not interact. I believed that it was because he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want anyone else to get sick.

The day of the funeral Shawn drove me to Lake City to be with everyone. The last time we had all gathered for a funeral was when my grandfather had died years before, an extremely painful grieving process for all of us. It was so surreal to sit on my aunt and uncle’s back porch with family everywhere, talking, laughing, eating, and then know that in a few hours we would be getting dressed for the service.

My family is Christian, and they all have the servant’s spirit in them. They’re kind, they help others, they go on mission trips, they raise their children to pray and believe in God. I’ve always thought they were amazing and have wished that I led a similar life (and I may yet), but while I call myself a Christian because I pray to one God, not many, my habits are rooted a little more in the earth and her cycles. I feel comfortable and happy following moon phases, lighting candles with an intention, and celebrating the solstice days each year. I like the rhythm of it, though I am also comfortable going to church, and I was looking forward to hearing my cousin’s service, especially when I heard that my uncle would be speaking.

He began with the Bible verse quoted above, and went on to speak about my cousin and what a great man he was. And it’s true. He was. His urn sat at the front of the church, and there was standing room only in the sanctuary. People were lined up and down the hallway, along the walls at the back and sides of the church, and kids were sitting in laps to make extra room for other adults. It was beautiful to see so many tears, and I got up at one point to run to the restroom (I was on antibiotics for a severe sinus infection and needed tissues, crying was actually quite painful) and found two women standing in the bathroom, sobbing. I never found out who they were but the image of them with their heads bowed, faces turned toward the wall, and tissues held to their faces has stuck with me.

There is no real wrap up to this post today, but I want to point out that even the most perfect families have secrets that run through them, deep and black like seams of anthracite through a mountain. These secrets don’t make them any less perfect in my opinion, and they may sit for years undisturbed, or some event may cause them to catch fire and burn unseen, smoldering and smoking until the explosion inevitably takes place.

My cousin was very sick. I didn’t know. No one talked about it. I doubt it would have made a difference if they had…but still, I wish I had known. I could have prayed for him and for the rest of my family, or I could have lit a candle for him. I could have gone out to look at the full moon and thought about him being whole, and healthy, and happy. But all I could do was pray for him after the fact, and light that candle when I got home… and let it burn until it quietly went out on it’s own.